A story of going from being a non-runner to planning for a marathon in three years...

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Sad Face Run

Last night was the usual Monday night 5.5 mile run with my running group. It was also technically our "run of the month" meaning that we would go out to dinner as a group afterward.

However, I wasn't really feeling it. None of my regular running buddies showed up and everyone left me way in the dust during the first mile. I had a headache, was obviously dehydrated, and my heart just wasn't in it. Each mile felt like a struggle and I even thought about turning around and only doing three miles instead of the full 5.5. But, I stuck to it and ran my own, slower than normal pace even though I really just wanted to stop and go home. And in the end I ran my dreadful 5.5 miles alone and then went home to a bowl of cereal for dinner.

I wish I was the type of person that found solace in running alone with just my own thoughts. I wish when I was upset I could go out for a run and feel better. But, I'm not. Running alone gives me too much time to think and when I'm sad or upset that's all I think about.

So why am I sad? Well, you remember this gal?

That's Trinka Deu. She's my 9 year old German Shepherd/Husky mix. Last Thursday she was diagnosed with a terminal form of cancer. We've explored our options, thought long and hard about it, and on Monday we decided not to pursue any treatment. The last vet she saw today gave my husband a hard sell for the treatment but, in the end, I think we're just going to let her live out what's left of her life. Which may be only a few weeks to a few months but it's either that or spend a lot of money, time, and emotional energy putting her through chemo that has an icicle's chance in hell of curing her.

Of course, my broken heart was all I could think about on my run. Every time my thoughts turned to her tears would threaten to well up. And when I cry I have a difficult time breathing. And, of course, I spent most of Monday crying, too, which lead to the dehydration and the headache. Plus, when I'm sad I don't have much of an appetite which is always a recipe for disaster when it comes to running.

I know there are people out there that would find solace in a good, hard workout. I'm not one of them. It just hurts too much.


Route:--Elev. Avg:628 ft
Location:Forest Park, ILElev. Gain:+3 ft
Date:05/10/10Up/Downhill: [+22/-19]
Time:06:35 PMDifficulty:2.1 / 5.0

Distance: 5.50 miles
Speed:6.2 mph
Pace:9' 38 /mi
Elevation (ft)
Pace (min/mile)
MilePace (min/mile)Speed (mph)Elevation
actual+/- avgactual+/- avg
19' 14-0' 246.5+0.30 ft
29' 26-0' 126.4+0.1-9 ft
39' 55+0' 176.0-0.2+3 ft
49' 44+0' 066.2-0.1+7 ft
510' 08+0' 305.9-0.30 ft
end9' 22-0' 166.4+0.2+3 ft
Versus average of 9' 38 min/mile

Posted from bimactive.com


Lindsay said...

I'm soo sorry.

I do enjoy running alone but not when I'm sad or have loads on my mind. When my mother was going through her own chemo treatments & the previous surgery, it was all I could think of on my runs and even had a panic attack during one (luckily) treadmill run.

I hope Trinka has loads of time left but when the end is not clear, it's heart stopping.

Jamie said...

Oh I'm so sorry. I hope the best for you all!

Jessica (Bayjb) said...

Oh my gosh erin I'm so sorry to hear about your dog. That is so sad. I can't imagine what you're going through. Thinking of you. We all have off and distracted nights when working out, take a day or two off and feel better and you'll be back out there.

Anne said...

I'm so sorry...big hug ((()))

kilax said...

It's okay that this is all you can think about. It would be all I could think about too. And a long run, by myself, would not make me feel any better. I think cuddling up with Trinka Deu (on the human couch?!) might. :)

I hope Tuesday felt better for you. And I hope this weekend's activities bring you so much fun that you have a tiny break from the heartache.

Thinking of you :)

Oz Runner said...

nice job getting 5.5 miles, despite the circumstances...sorry to hear about your dog....

Andrea (Off Her Cork) said...

Oh Erin, my heart goes out to you. Having a sick baby is the hardest thing to deal with. It's such an emotional roller coaster. Sending out lots of good vibes to you and your family.

MonkeyBusiness said...

Oh I'm so sorry about Trinka! That would kill me, just thinking about Milly getting older makes me sad :(

kristen said...

Im so sorry girl. That's horrible. I'm sorry you cant find any solace in a run. I wish there was something to say that would make it easier to live with. You gave her a good life. Thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, Erin - I am SO sorry to hear this. I hope the time that Trinka has left is without pain and incredibly happy, for all of you. I know there is nothing like the loss of a pet, but know that Trinka was VERY lucky to have you (and likewise, I'm sure!).

Anonymous said...

I tried to post my sympathies (repeatedly) yesterday, but looks like it hasn't gone through.

At any rate, I'm sorry to hear the sad news and I hope you're able to do whatever you need to do to cope. Running isn't always the magic pill we want it to be, but I applaud you for getting out there anyway.

Chin up...

Jesse said...

So sorry about your loss, Erin. I'm sure Trinka was deeply loved.

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